An Antidote to Crippling Anxiety
How to beat your fears, not just face them.
I sometimes feel like a massive imposter with all the incredible career opportunities that I've been given in the last year.
ADCC
My new teaching job
My first book
My new instructional (and a leg lock named after me lol)
And much more.
At times, I am overcome with joy. At other times, gratitude. Oftentimes — usually in the middle of the night for some reason — anxiety. Fear. Fear of failure.
What if it doesn’t work out? What if I suck? What if I succeed and can’t handle it?
Anxiety is weird like that. It just wants to sabotage your best moments with internalized messages from someone who you no longer are or want to be.
Because of all the stuff that I do and the anxiety that I’ve dealt with, I spend a lot of time working on my mind and making it stronger, more creative, and quieter.
Here’s a simple idea that helps me overcome imposter syndrome and anxiety.
You are not the main character.
In the world today where social media and the internet are making us more self-centered but less self-aware, one thing that I am trying to work on in my personal life and in my work is freeing myself from the idea that I am the main character of this grand story that is my life.
Because here’s the not-so-nice truth about me:
I tend to live for the applause.
I mean, for crying out loud I grapple in front of people and write for a living.
Most of my life is a performance. There is a lot of pressure. Pressure to win, perform well, succeed — pressure to not suck.
At least, there’s a lot of pressure when I am tying my self-esteem to the results of my efforts in my work.
I recently wrote a book, which is something I have wanted to do ever since I started writing. It’s my first book and I have been nervous about how it will perform, how people will like it, and if it will be worth the time that I invested into it.
Here’s the kicker:
If I tie my self-worth with my performances both on the mat and in writing, I may have more success, but I’ll lose the ability to enjoy the things that I am doing.
If you’re going to do what you love in a way that makes you hate it, you might as well do something else. Freedom is not freedom if you are a slave to the grind that you created.
That’s why I have been seeking another way of thinking and working.
Let the work speak for itself.
Part of being an artist is subjecting your work to criticism.
It can be scary to do so, but it’s important to remember that you are not your work. You are merely the vessel for sharing ideas and work with the world. There’s more to life than the work you do.
Being an artist is not just sharing work with the world, it’s living in a way that is mindful, creative, and, of course, artistic. It is a lifestyle.
This goes for Jiu-Jitsu or conventional art as well.
“Living life as an artist is a practice.
You are either engaging in the practice
or you’re not.
It makes no sense to say you’re not good at it.
It’s like saying, “I’m not good at being a monk.”
You are either living as a monk or you’re not.
We tend to think of the artist’s work as the output.
The real work of the artist
is a way of being in the world.” — Rick Rubin, The Creative Act
The work is what is being shared, nothing more, nothing less.
Sure, you might be part of the work and the work might be about you, but you can’t let that get to your head.
When I compete in Jiu-Jitsu, it’s the same way.
If I lose, it doesn’t mean I suck as a human. It doesn't mean I am not lovable. It means that I didn’t perform well enough. It means that my Jiu-Jitsu wasn’t good enough today.
Art is a way of being. Art is also a craft.
Thus, your craft, whatever it may be, is a way of being in the world.
You are either doing your work or you are not. For me, I’m a lot happier when I do my work — even if I get nervous. I can’t remove my anxiety, but I never want my anxiety to stop me from doing what makes me happy.
Detachment is the way to have balance.
It’s also the way you can find creative freedom, put out more work, and build the skill to put out better work.
Closing Thoughts
I used to constantly “face my fears” to deal with anxiety.
In both competing in Jiu-Jitsu and writing, this meant that before every big event or published piece, there was anxiety, fear, and even a mild identity crisis. Before competitions, I’d tell myself that I ought to just focus on writing. Before a big launch with writing, I’d tell myself that I could just focus on Jiu-Jitsu if it didn’t work out.
Both of these thought processes were a response to fear. I was compensating for fear.
In the end, I’d just face my fear and do the thing anyway.
This is a noble thing to do, but it’s exhausting and not sustainable. You can burn out of facing your fears if that’s your only solution.
My new approach of detaching from my work has sustained me for the last year and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon. I view myself more as a craftsman than anything else. I view my training and writing as more of a practice than an expression of my soul (even though it is a bit of both).
Over time I’ve learned to stop viewing whatever I’m doing as the determining factor for how my life is going to go.
I just do my work as best I can, put out something I’m proud of, and then I hope it does well. If it doesn’t, we go back to the drawing board. If it does, we go back to the drawing board.
It is a neverending process.
Art is not just “the work”.
Art is a way of being.
My first book comes out on Monday :)
We’re almost there! Just 3 more days!
If you’d like to pre-order the Kindle version of my book, you can do so here.
The paperback will be live on Monday, January 13th, 2025. It will ship to any country where Amazon ships books.
If you love Jiu-Jitsu and want to improve your experience on the mat, this book was written for you.
This is the book that I wish I had when I first started training 10 years ago.
This book was written for my younger self — I hope it helps you as much as it would have helped me.
The Grappler’s Diary is sponsored by BJJ Mental Models, the world’s #1 Jiu-Jitsu podcast!
This week we're joined again by Beatrice Jin! Beatrice is a black belt competitor and coach from Kogaion Academy in Arlington, Virginia.
In this episode, we continue our conversation from Beatrice's last visit about how to "stop being nice" when sparring.
Topics include the essential concepts of assertiveness and aggressiveness in BJJ, the cultural influences that shape one’s approach to the sport, the significance of a competitive mindset, the necessity of pushing personal boundaries during training, and the importance of consent and managing expectations in training environments.
To listen, look up BJJ Mental Models wherever you listen to your podcasts or just hit this link.
Also published this week:
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Good to know you can just write another book if this one sucks… haha can’t wait to read it on Monday.
Loved this one. Powerful reframing technique for any/all forms of aversion. The significance of the act doesn’t matter, just do the act and be satisfied with controlling what you can.