Are You Too Self-Aware?
Weekly Newsletter 03
Originally published in Medium’s “Mind Cafe” on April 27, 2021.
“Self-awareness” seems to be the new self-help buzzphrase lately. Internet gurus like Gary Vaynerchuk or Mark Manson have made piles of content about its importance, and it seems like everyone is obsessed with “knowing themselves” in some form or another.
At the same time, the typical interpretation of self-awareness is vague at best and harmful at worst.
Traditional self-help books often seek to help us recognize the parts of ourselves that are flawed and need to be improved. A few years ago, I read a book called Unf*ck Yourself. The title alone implied that I was “f*cked” and needed help. It was a good sell. Some might call this a “growth mindset”, but this personal cynicism is very different from what psychologist Carol Dweck was talking about when she coined the term in the mid-2000s. It’s a fine line between being self-aware and self-critical.
The deep-rooted existential problem with self-awareness is that the “self” as we know it doesn’t really exist. The reason that it’s so hard to “find ourselves” is because the self is an illusion. It appears to be in front of us, but nothing's really there when we reach for it. So what’s the point of self-awareness?
I’m Too Self-Aware
It’s really difficult to diagnose “too much” self-awareness in ourselves because culturally, we view self-awareness as a good thing. Being aware of ourselves is seen as a path to maturity, enlightenment, and even success. You might be aware of your flaws, traumas, and toxic traits, but are you aware of your awareness?
Too much self-awareness is a very bad thing.
Psychologists believe that too much self-awareness can lead to anxiety disorders. In severe cases, it can even lead to depersonalization, an intensely uncomfortable condition where one feels like they’re living disconnected from their thoughts and their body. This is what I experienced several years ago, but more on that in a minute.
The early stages of building self-awareness involve Carol Dweck’s growth mindset, mindfulness, and other good habits like journaling. However, if you continue to obsess over your own self-development, you risk falling further and further away from reality. The deeper you look inward, the more of the world around you that you might miss. Ironically, this will make you more disconnected from self-transcendence.
My experience with negative self-awareness was built up over months and months of intense cynical reflection that peaked with a bad anxiety reaction to a measly pot brownie (embarrassing, I know). Nonetheless, this is what sent me over the edge. The result was a battle with intense depersonalization that lasted for more than 9 months.
That’s really a long story for another day, but the point is that trying to improve myself was a key factor in becoming “trapped” in my own head. At the beginning of my quest for self-improvement, I truly wanted to be better. By the end, I just wanted to get out of my own head. I wanted control.
What’s Better Than Self-Awareness?
Before my experience with depersonalization, I would have said that no trait is better than self-awareness for developing happiness, success, and meaning in your life.
I don’t believe that anymore. Now, I’d say self-awareness is overrated.
Self-awareness isn’t really the key to anything. It’s great to practice developing awareness of your flaws, but too much self-awareness will lead to anxiety that’s so jaded in introspection that others will perceive it as selfishness.
It’s a tough pill to swallow that your pursuit of self-improvement can hurt those around you, especially because improving yourself feels so good.
That’s why I’m much fonder of the pursuit of self-mastery as opposed to self-awareness. Self-mastery is taking what you’ve learned from your practice of self-awareness and developing the discipline to overcome your flaws. It’s also about having the discipline to not become too self-aware and caught up in those flaws that you’re trying to improve. Self-awareness is a part of self-mastery, but it often lacks acceptance. That’s the difference.
Whether it’s Marcus Aurelius, Buddha, or Plato, the concept of self-mastery is rampant amongst ancient philosophers in one form or another. You just have to do a little digging. However, I really don’t see a lot of “gurus” today talking about it in a non-toxic and understandable way. Discipline is a much harder sell than the quick fix or the vague maxims on “knowing yourself”.
I know a lot of people who are aware of their toxic behaviors and personal flaws, but I know very few people who are actively putting practices in place to control those behaviors on a daily basis. Action and acceptance create the distinction between self-awareness and self-mastery.
Self-Awareness Is Still Important
Just because the self is an illusion doesn’t mean that we should just take all of our traditional self-improvement ideas and throw them in the trash. It just means we have to change the way that we look at our “selves”.
As Yuval Noah Harari points out in Sapiens, everything is an illusion in some way. What separates humans from other species is our ability to compose collective fiction and share it with each other. Society as we know it only functions because of systems that humans have made up in order to maintain social order in a chaotic world.
Everything from our currency to the language that you’re using to read this article is just something that we’ve made up to help us understand our reality. However, just because it’s “made up” doesn’t mean that we don’t need to understand money or language. The “self” isn’t any different. There is still immense value in knowing yourself to help you better navigate the world around you.
“No one is free who has not obtained the empire of himself. No man is free who cannot command himself.” ― Pythagoras
Regardless of the belief system that holds your life in order, there is a collective understanding that self-awareness is a key virtue. The problems arise when modern marketing and branding tactics use self-awareness as a tool to create self-cynicism as a tactic to sell more products. We pursue self-mastery to free ourselves from the limiting confines of society, but if we’re not careful we’ll become trapped by the 40 billion-dollar self-help industry.
This is the exact opposite reason we pursue self-development in the first place. Articles, books, and speeches are nice, but in reality, life doesn’t change until you do.
Closing Thoughts
When I was a kid, my dad used to always joke about how he was going “to find himself” before he went up to his office for work.
I don’t know if he saw the funny part of that statement, but now I do: you can’t find yourself.
Self-actualization is on the top spot of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but the self can’t be identified, much less actualized. Perfection is not possible, and you’ll never feel content with self-actualization the way it looks in the movies or at the end of a romance novel.
Instead, you’re stuck with discipline, hard work, and the constant struggle to overcome yourself. True self-help isn’t about becoming anything, it’s about letting go from your past and your ego, and connecting with reality as it truly is. I’ll be honest, I haven’t attained complete self-mastery yet, but it seems like the only worthwhile pursuit to help you live a happier, healthier life.
The secret that no one puts on billboards or postcards is that letting go is insanely difficult because you’re unconsciously holding on to your former self as tight as you can. Self-awareness is about identifying this truth. Self-mastery is about controlling the unconscious through conscious effort. That is how progress is made.
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Wishing you the best,
—Chris