For When You Want to Quit

The tale of 2024 (so far).

ADCC West Coast Trials — Las Vegas, NV — Photo by Andy K-D

This year has been a wild one.

In January, I returned home to Austin, Texas, after a month of traveling, competing, and training. I had a good time on my trip.

When I got home, I was smacked with the rude awakening that my house was in shambles.

The person who created my electricity account with the city of Austin had made an error, and my billing for electricity was not going through. Because my mailbox was broken, I also wasn’t getting mail from the city of Austin to tell me that my electricity wasn’t being billed.

I came home to an apartment that had no power and hadn’t for some time. There was rotting food in my freezer. I gagged as I cleared it out.

It was also a Saturday, meaning I couldn't get power back until Monday, and I had to stay in a hotel for 2 nights until Monday.

Everything in my life was falling apart.

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When it rains, it pours.

When everything was falling apart in my apartment, one of my major writing clients (who was supplying most of my income) became preoccupied with a new project and stopped sending me content for several months.

So here I was, losing money just to live with no idea of how I was going make it back, trying to clean out a stinky apartment, owing the city of Austin about $600 for the electricity that I had never paid for, and on top of that, I had a bad argument with my girlfriend. Then, I got a flat tire (my third in the last 2 months), and I was out another hundred bucks.

I felt like my entire life was falling apart. Like I was inching toward rock bottom.

In the middle of last year, I moved to Austin and signed a lease on an apartment that I could barely afford, and now, I was paying the price for my ambition — in more ways than just one.

Then, as my girlfriend and I were working through the argument we had, her dog had a seizure.

Everything that could possibly go wrong that first weekend back did go wrong. It was a hilariously tragic weekend.

Dreams and nightmares.

Last year around this time, I created this idea for a lifestyle that I wanted.

I wanted to be writing every day, ghostwriting more on different projects, training at a professional gym, teaching seminars, competing frequently, and working on building my digital business. I wanted complete control of my daily life.

This is not a unique desire, but at 25 with experience in writing and grappling, I thought it was very attainable for me. I felt like I was already halfway there.

To work towards this goal, I invested about $10,000 dollars just into my own development both as a grappler and a writer. Besides just the investments, I also moved to a more expensive place, traveled more, and I was earning about the same as I was the year before. I was bleeding financially.

Because of this, when I lost power in my apartment and everything else around me crumbled, it wasn’t just that I was going through a rough patch. It was like I went from treading water to drowning. I was pretty sure at the time that I was going to have to go back home to Chicago and move in with my mom and dad again.

I couldn’t do it.

But after things get bad, something beautiful happens.

I would love to tell you that life just got better right away, but that wouldn’t be true.

Life is ebbs and flows of good and bad. Good and bad things happen to us all the time, and they will never stop.

When you choose to take risks and chase dreams, you are going to experience both higher highs and lower lows. This, in my opinion, is a better way to live than simply striving for constant stability.

Homeostasis is an illusion. It’s a concept. You can either have high highs and low lows, or you can just live a “meh” life all the time. I have the highs and lows.

The lessons you learn from these highs and lows are far more profound than the lessons you learn from playing it safe. Risk creates greater learning opportunities than comfort.

By moving my whole life to Texas, where I didn’t know anyone, was barely familiar with the gym, and didn’t have much of an income, I was taking a big risk, which meant that I was inevitably going to experience very high highs and very low lows.

Above, I listed the lows.

Now let’s get to the fun part — the highs.

Turning it around.

After everything when to shit, I started to rebuild.

I got to the point in my life where I realized that having pride, being less disciplined than required, and not having intense structure was not just making me a bit unhappy, it was making me go broke, struggle with my mental health, and struggle in my personal life.

I created a new routine and a couple of new habits, and I got to work.

Every night, I would write a to-do list for the next day of things that I had to do. I created a new newsletter, The Modern Writer to document my journey to focusing more on my career as a writer. I started reading more, writing a ton, and working a lot smarter and harder at Jiu-Jitsu. I started working with a new strength and conditioning coach. I started lifting harder, eating more, and adding size so that I could go to Europe and compete in the 88KG division.

My girlfriend and I recovered from the argument stronger than before. A few weeks after, we went to Croatia for the Trials and then Spain after that for the most amazing vacation I think I’ve ever been on, and now she’s here with me in Texas. (If you’re thinking about a trip to Europe, Spain should be at the top of your list.)

I honestly didn’t have great competition results for a few months after everything went to crap. A boring match in January and I screwed up on a points thing in the European Trials, but by the time West Coast Trials came around, I was doing really well personally, professionally, and on the mat.

It’s highs and lows, and I rebounded from the lows and caught a high.

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Closing Thoughts (and advice for you)

When I hit that low point, a funny thing happened.

Before that, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. I was trying to force everything. Over a few weeks afterward, I slowly stopped. I just stopped giving a fuck. I allowed myself to live presently and to solve today’s problems instead of worrying about every problem in my life all at once.

When everything goes to shit, you realize that you can escape the shitstorm by taking one step at a time, over and over again. You might get hit a few times on the way out, but you’re gonna get out as long you don’t quit.

I stopped really caring about seeming a certain way. I was more honest with myself about where I was.

By sheer dumb luck and consistency (and my girlfriend not allowing me to quit trying), I landed the closest thing possible to my dream ghostwriting job. By sheer hard work and consistency, I got stronger and bigger and way better at Jiu-Jitsu. My lower back is stronger now than it’s ever been. My relationship is better than it’s ever been.

Life is pretty darn good right now.

At the ADCC West Coast Trials, I made the quarterfinals and I was paired up against an opponent who has beaten me 3 times in the past — twice by submission. Past Chris probably would have gotten in his head, had a crappy match, and told himself that losing the quarterfinals at 88KG in the West Coast Trials “isn’t that bad”.

But now? I didn’t really care if I lost. Even if I did, I know that the next day I’d be back to my normal routine.

I won that match and placed in another ADCC Trials because I just stopped giving a fuck about what could go wrong or right and just did the damn thing.

And that’s my closing advice for you when you want to quit:

Stop giving a fuck about results or outside perceptions or anything irrelevant, and just do the damn thing in front of you. One action at a time. Day after day.

I promise you — you’ll get better faster and feel better about it.

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This issue of The Grappler’s Diary is sponsored by BJJ Mental Models!

BJJ Mental Models is the world's #1 (and my favorite) Jiu-Jitsu education podcast. Every episode is a conversational lesson on concepts, strategy, tactics, and mindset. It features grapplers and coaches from all over the world, including me! It's completely free, so give BJJ Mental Models a listen at: bjjmentalmodels.com

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Also published this week:

The Most Uncomfortable Part About Making Money On the Internet

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