How I Used Jiu-Jitsu to Build My Life
A short guide to happiness.
When I first moved to Texas, the future was unpredictable.
I had money saved up (that burned through quicker than I wanted to), I was okay at Jiu-Jitsu but not very good (compared to how good I thought I was), and my writing career was an unpredictable dumpster fire. I was in a new relationship, training at a new gym, and completely lost in a new city.
Over a year has passed.
Austin now feels like home—albeit a very hot home. The girl I was in the new relationship with is now the woman I live with and love dearly. My Jiu-Jitsu career is going well, my writing is going well, and the future is much more exciting than scary nowadays.
I’d love to sit here on a soapbox and tell you that it was a linear process and that I just slowly got better and better at everything, but that’s not what happened. This year has been the craziest year of my life.
Throughout this year, I’ve been focused a lot on “building” — building projects, relationships, skills, etc. In this experience, I think I’ve found what for me are the 3 key aspects of a quality existence that will allow you to develop skills, feel good, and grow. Jiu-Jitsu played a key part in all of it.
Let’s dive in.
You must be good at what you do.
When I was 18-22, I dealt with a lot of depression.
I was anxious and embarrassed of myself. I was miserable. I even experienced this weird form of anxiety called “dissociation” where I was so anxious that my mind made my reality feel “unreal” as a way of protecting myself. It’s a real thing, I promise.
I did what a lot of young people do when they’re feeling depressed.
I went to therapy. I took medication. I talked about my problems — a lot. Probably too much.
These things, unfortunately, were all band-aids compared to the peace and confidence that I got from becoming competent at my skills in Jiu-Jitsu and writing and actually building my life. Action toward a better future was a better form of mental health treatment than well, mental health treatment.
This is not super progressive mental health advice, but luckily I am not a therapist, I’m a grappler, so I can say what I want.
Mental health is really important and treatment is essential, but no treatment worked for my depression and anxiety the way that improving my competence did. I became obsessed with improving my skills, and in time, things did get better for me.
In time, once the skills (and the fruits of my labor) started being built, I was able to focus on other problems and reach a deeper level of satisfaction in my life.
The thing is that many people get so caught up in excellence that they forget about the other aspects of a good life. Let’s talk about those now.
You must have people that you love.
There are a lot of people who are excellent at what they do, but they are miserable.
See, if you are incredible at what you do but you are not a quality person, all the excellence in the world won’t help you.
Loneliness is a real epidemic. People today don’t have friends like they did years ago. Isolation is a problem in today’s world.
This is one of the beautiful things about Jiu-Jitsu — but we’re going to talk more about Jiu-Jitsu toward the end of this article.
In my life, having quality friends and mentors was step one. This made me appreciate my family more. This made me a better man and finally able to attract a high-quality life partner (now my girlfriend) and start to build my life here in Texas.
When I was younger, one of the dumber things that I did was think that a partner would complete me. This led me to attract people who didn’t belong in my life and to use relationships as more than they were.
It was a skill issue, both in living and in relationships.
I won’t give a ton of dating advice, but I will say this: you cannot expect someone else to give you something that you cannot give yourself.
If you’re unhappy, surround yourself with quality friends and your family. Work for a relationship when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
Finally, you must have things to look forward to.
I went to church this year for the first time.
Even after going a few times, I’m not really a religious man. However, there was a sermon that I remember that resonated with me a lot.
The preacher was talking about how heaven is the sort of trip that you have to look forward to. It’s like a vacation that is coming at the end of your life. It’s something to look forward to.
And look — I don’t really know what I believe so I don’t want to convince you of anything. What I will say is that in my life, when I have everything going well — I have things that I am good at and I have people that love, the final piece of the puzzle is to have things in your life that you are either anxious about or excited about.
Because remember, anxiety and excitement are the same thing.
This is part of why I keep a busy seminar and competition schedule. It’s also why when I’m home in Texas, my girlfriend and make a lot of weekend plans to do exciting things. We make plans for the future — days, weeks, and even years in advance.
It doesn’t really matter if the plans pan out exactly the way you want them to, it just matters that you have those plans. You need a mountain to climb and a path ahead to follow.
Closing Thoughts
Here’s where Jiu-Jitsu fits into this.
Jiu-Jitsu is like Batman.
It can be the thing you’re good at. It can help you find people that you love. It can be the thing that you look forward to at the end of the day or the competition in the next few weeks. It can be whatever you need it to be.
For those of us who build our lives around Jiu-Jitsu, Jiu-Jitsu can be everything.
There’s something dangerous about this, but that’s why you need awareness. That’s why I try to work on my life outside of Jiu-Jitsu with my writing, my girlfriend, and my love of traveling the world.
Jiu-Jitsu is my job and one of the things I’m good at, but I’m also good things that have nothing to do with Jiu-Jitsu. Jiu-Jitsu has also given me most of the most important people in my life today, but I maintain close relationships with people who don’t train at all. Most of the things I look forward to involve Jiu-Jitsu, but this weekend I’m visiting San Diego with my girlfriend’s family and there will be very little Jiu-Jitsu and very little Jiu-Jitsu conversation.
That, I think, is balance.
That, I think, is how you thrive.
Excel at something, but do not obsess to the point of excess.
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The Grappler’s Diary is sponsored by BJJ Mental Models, the world’s #1 Jiu-Jitsu podcast!
This week we’re joined again by Amanda Bruse! Amanda is a black belt under André Galvão training out of Atos HQ and a BJJ Mental Models sponsored athlete.
In this episode, we continue the topic from Amanda’s last appearance: how to manage the anxiety that comes with Jiu-Jitsu competition. Amanda presents specific, evidence-backed tactics for managing Jiu-Jitsu anxiety for athletes of all levels.
To listen, look up BJJ Mental Models wherever you listen to your podcasts or just hit this link.
The Grappler’s Diary is also sponsored by Gym 1801.
Gym 1801 is a brand-new martial arts and fitness facility in Evanston, Illinois.
Apart from being one of the most beautiful Jiu-Jitsu gyms in the world (and run by the man who gave me my black belt in BJJ), Gym 1801 offers world-class instruction, facilities, and training.
Additionally, the gym offers top-class recovery tools like cryo, red light therapy, and sauna, and a wide array of classes like yoga, HIIT, and athletic training. They have everything you need to reach your potential on and off of the mat.
When I think about what I want in a dream Jiu-Jitsu Academy, Gym 1801 has everything I could think of and more.
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