I'm Going to Get Married
Let's talk about love.
A little over 2 years ago, I started talking to Mayra on Twitter.
I was in a weird place at the time.
I’d recently quit my teaching job — my only source of stable income at the time — and I was about to head down to Austin for a month of training. I didn’t have a home, I didn’t have a job, and I definitely wasn’t in the best place to have a relationship at the time. Oh, and Mayra was living in San Diego.
Perhaps a better version of myself wouldn’t have even tried to date her out of some misplaced desire to protect her. A more cynical version of myself might not have tried in order to protect me. But where I was at the time, I couldn’t help myself. I was enamored by her from the gate.
I leaped headfirst into a relationship during one of the most unpredictable periods of my already unpredictable life. It could have backfired terribly. The odds of this article being written were maybe not great.
But instead, on Monday of this week at one of my favorite places in Chicago, Montrose Harbor, I pulled a ring out of my pants, got on one knee, and asked my favorite person in the world a simple sentence that would change our lives forever:
“Will you marry me?”
Today, we’re talking about love, commitment, and how to take chances.
When God sends you an angel, you don’t question it.
The first thing I noticed about Mayra when I met her was that she was an incredible person full of love and kindness. Everyone who meets her notices this.
I haven’t met someone filled with so much goodness and honesty. At first, I thought there was something wrong.
Why would someone so good go for someone like me? I was skeptical of her choice, even though I was the choice. (By the way, you shouldn’t be with someone whom you don’t feel lucky to be with.)
At the time, I was a very broke grappler and a struggling writer. My career was in chaos. My personal life was all over the place. I was becoming cynical of relationships. I don’t know if I still believed in love or marriage or any of the things that I am now so involved with.
I couldn’t finish long-term projects. The only thing I was good at was sitting down to write every day and going to train every day. I was good at doing the work, but not as good at getting results. It was long before ADCC, in the early days of The Grappler’s Diary, and just weeks into starting the book.
Did I mention being broke?
In the beginning, I spent a lot of time questioning whether I was worth it. I had this jaded mindset, and over time, I realized that this jaded mindset was seeping into so much more than just my relationship.
My angel made me realize that my cognitive distortions were stopping me from being my best.
Limiting beliefs that I have since changed.
I still struggle with anxiety pretty often.
As much as I like to sugarcoat it in writing — being the author, I have the luxury of choosing the light in which you view me — it’s a daily occurrence that varies in severity based on circumstances that I’m just beginning to understand after 27 years of dealing with them daily.
I used to believe that I was a victim of anxiety. That anxiety was always going to have a grip on me.
I also used to believe that most things in life came down to luck of the draw. Relationships. Success on the mat. Business success.
While I still do believe there is an element of luck involved in many of our endeavors, I’ve also realized that I’ve gotten so damn lucky over and over again that there must be something that I’m doing right. The only thing I am really doing deliberately in my life is my honest best.
If I were pitching my life to a director to be a chick flick, I’d tell you that “love healed me”, but that’s not exactly how it happened. At least, not directly.
Instead, I think falling in love made me realize that healing and personal growth are a never-ending journey. Love made me realize that my future was worth investing in. It also made me realize that personal responsibility is the thing that makes life truly worth living.
I run toward the things that I used to fear at full speed because the things that I fear are really just the things I want — done half-assed.
This idea changed how I view success, failure, and hard work.
Most self-help advice is garbage.
One idea that I see online a lot for young people is that they should “disappear” for a year or 2 years or whatever and “work on themselves”.
Take cold showers
Go to the gym
Read
Start a business
Etc
I don’t know if this is what I would advise. I don’t know if isolating yourself is going to give you the things that you want out of your life.
Instead, I think the real key action step is immersion. Instead of doing all the work on your own, surround yourself with like-minded people.
The best decision that I’ve ever made has been falling in love with someone who shares my obsessive desire to be better than I was yesterday. Although sometimes we have different methods of growth, Mayra and I share a passion for never-ending improvement.
You don’t need to disappear, you need to connect. The desire to disappear is a disguised desire to find a better community.
Instead of running from reality:
Have a relationship that matters. Have a career that is meaningful to you. Build something. Invest in your family. Study things that are meaningful.
Risk failure so that your life matters.
It’s the equivalent of signing up for a Jiu-Jitsu tournament, not winning, and then deciding you’re going to just train for years and not compete again until you know you will win. It’s the equivalent of getting your heart broken and then deciding to never date again until you find the perfect person or until you are the perfect completed version of yourself.
It’s a nice idea, but that’s not how it works.
You don’t win the game solely by studying it. You need reps.
You need to try.
Closing Thoughts
This article is about me getting engaged, but it’s also about self-worth. It’s about investing in your future.
Most of all, it’s about taking responsibility for your life.
Your options are limited.
Went I met Mayra, the first thing I realized was that she was one of a kind. I realized that if I didn’t become the man that I have always wanted to be, I would not deserve her. I guess you could see this as a negative, and you could frame it negatively, but I instead chose to frame it the other way around:
If I became the man I have always wanted to be and built the life I have always wanted, together we can be extremely happy.
I know that I don’t know everything. I have a lot to learn about marriage, family, and building a future (the idea of planning a wedding is daunting to me already!), but I have learned in the last 2 years a few very important lessons that I have aimed to share with you in this article.
Here they are spelled out for you pretty directly:
Count your blessings, but don’t question them.
Luck exists, but so does hard work. Acknowledge things you can’t control, but focus more on what you can.
Personal growth is a never-ending journey. You probably don’t need to “disappear” to grow. You need immersion.
Give your honest best every single day, and you hardly have regrets.
Thanks for reading. I promise we’ll talk more about Jiu-Jitsu next week, but I hope you noticed there are a bunch of lessons in here that will help you on the mat. Finding the right partner was the best thing I ever did for my Jiu-Jitsu.
The Grappler’s Diary is sponsored by BJJ Mental Models, the world’s #1 Jiu-Jitsu podcast!
This week, we’re joined again by Erin Herle!
In this episode, Erin introduces the PLAY framework and explains why humor is a fundamental element of good culture and learning.
To listen, look up BJJ Mental Models wherever you listen to your podcasts, or just hit this link.
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Also published this week:
Fear and Fighting In Las Vegas
Today’s article was written by Ernesto Rivera. Ernesto is a BJJ black belt based out of Atlanta and an active competitor all over the world. He was recently a part of the winning team of PGF season 7. You can follow him on Instagram or read more of his work on his blog on
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Congrats, Chris. This is one of the most beautiful articles that you have written and that I have read anywhere online. Wishing you guys abundant joy and success in your shared future!
Congrats Chris! That was a refreshing & inspirational read. I like how you brought in the parallels between getting married & jiu-jitsu in regards to taking risk. I just subscribed, looking forward to reading more!