Self-Deprecation Is Killing Your Dreams
The story that you tell yourself will make or break you.
Originally published in Mind Cafe on June 23, 2021.
Photo by Morgan Basham on Unsplash
Humans are obsessed with stories.
Everything that we do is based on stories. Heck, the world around us is built around stories, consensual fictions, and even lies. The story you tell yourself plays an incredible role in your view of yourself, your self-esteem, and how you interact with the world around you.
So, why would you tell yourself a bad story?
It doesn’t make any logical sense, but so many of us do it every single day. It’s called “self-deprecation”, and it’s killing us. Slowly.
I can be obnoxiously self-deprecating. Part of it is my sense of humor, but part of it is compensation for the fact that I don’t know how to talk to myself or about myself “healthfully”. My tendency to put myself down affects the way that I approach all of the decisions in my life, including my decisions in sports, which is my comfort zone where I’m most confident.
What I’ve learned recently is that if you want to be the best version of yourself, there is less room for self-deprecation than you’re likely allowing. Sure, it’s one thing to laugh at yourself in the face of error and adversity, but let’s be real: most people use self-deprecation as a crutch.
I used to think that being self-deprecating would make me more likable, funny, and interesting, but the reality is that the more we talk down about ourselves, the less likely we are to win, succeed, and most importantly, be truly happy.
The Story I Tell Myself Is Batshit Crazy
Competing in Jiu-Jitsu has been the centerpiece of my entire adult life. For the last 6 years, I’ve been obsessed with winning titles, chasing medals, and developing my skills on the mat.
When I say obsessed, I mean, obsessed. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night, everything is about becoming the best athlete I can be. Heck, even my writing is a mental exercise that’s supposed to make my mind stronger for grappling. Jiu-Jitsu is a self-guided pursuit — like a violent meditation of sorts — and I’m genuinely trying to be the best version of myself, but the caveat is that I wholeheartedly believe that the best version of myself is the best in the world.
It might be a delusion, or it might be my future. Either way, that’s my mission, and I choose to accept it. The story of my life that I tell myself is one that’s driven me to push myself to physical and mental limits that I didn’t know existed.
That’s where the self-deprecation problem comes in. I tend to put myself down in an effort to relate to others because I get the feeling that my goals are “too big” for “normal people” to understand. This is a cognitive distortion, and it’s a huge mental roadblock that keeps me from reaching the next level. I’m not a psychologist, but I’d say that the real reason I think this way is because I want to believe I’m “special”. I’m using self-deprecation as a tool to find my own existential significance.
Self-Deprecation Is Self-Poison
There are a lot of reasons to be self-deprecating, like easing the burn of failure or getting some laughs from your friends at dinner, but that doesn’t make self-deprecation a good idea.
Self-deprecation isn’t a personality trait, it’s a learned reflex that we use to deny ourselves credit for our accomplishments. Above all, self-deprecation is a bad habit. Ironically, most of the reasons we use self-deprecation would actually be eased with less self-deprecation. If you’re depressed and use self-deprecation as a coping mechanism, you’re really only adding insult to injury, literally.
That doesn’t mean that you should blindly believe in yourself all the time, but it does mean that you can be both too self-deprecating and not self-deprecating enough. The difference is, a “healthy amount” of self-deprecation isn’t deprecating at all, it’s just called self-awareness.
Even people who appear successful use self-deprecation to a toxic fault, and this not only makes long-term success more difficult for them but also negatively affects their mental health and personal relationships. I’ll cite myself as evidence here.
Don’t Beat Yourself
Let’s be real for a second here, doing things is really hard. “Adulting” is hard. Life is hard. It’s hard enough to just “show up” and it’s really freakin’ hard to be good at things. I mean, how many really successful people do you know? And of those successful people, how many of them are actually happy as well?
For me, I can count those people on one hand.
It’s really hard to be successful, but I would argue that it’s harder to happy than it is to be successful. Happiness appears to be more attainable than success for the average person, but it’s far more elusive, especially if you deal with mental health problems.
This only makes self-deprecation appear even sillier. If the odds are stacked against you, why would you ever deliberately use practices that are designed to make you lose? You wouldn't. That’s why self-deprecation is a reflex, not a trait.
“Self-talk reflects your innermost feelings.”―Dr. Asa Don Brown
If I’ve learned anything from a lifetime of combat sports, it’s that in many ways, life mirrors the circumstances of a fight. This doesn’t mean that everything that we do is a competition and that the only thing that matters is winning (there’s more to fighting than winning), but the constant struggle and overcoming of obstacles are present in everything we do, from brushing our teeth to navigating difficult conversations with spouses and loved ones.
Putting yourself down before a fight is the best way to beat yourself. Putting yourself down in love is the best way to be used, exploited, and manipulated.
The Bigger Your Goals, The Less You Can Self-Deprecate
Are you a self-deprecation addict? I think I am.
Self-deprecation is a drug. When you make a self-deprecating comment and people laugh (whether it’s due to genuine humor or pity is irrelevant), you get a hit of dopamine. Dopamine is addicting, and if you recognize self-deprecation as a form of getting that constant dopamine hit, it’s easy to get caught in a vicious cycle of bullying yourself for the amusement of others.
Over time, self-deprecation can ruin relationships, destroy your sense of self, and limit your growth potential for both success and happiness. If you have lofty goals or desire true happiness, constant self-deprecation is absolutely out of the question.
It’s one thing to occasionally make jokes about ourselves to cope with pain and struggle, but there’s a fine line between a self-deprecating comment and a person who’s bullying themselves, and it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. If you want to be happy, fulfilled, and achieve your goals, I’d argue that you need to eliminate as much self-deprecation as possible while maximizing self-awareness.
That’s the conundrum of self-deprecation.
Closing Thoughts
I’m trying to remove as much self-deprecation from my life as possible.
There was a time where I felt that it benefitted me to joke about myself in a nearly violent way as a way to cope with mental illness and pain, but now, I’m vehemently against using this coping mechanism.
The next step in my growth is to address the comments that I habitually make daily in order to further develop my confidence. I’m not denying the existence of “healthy” self-deprecation, but I am beginning to realize that in order for me to reach my goals as an athlete, writer, and human being, the self-deprecation has to die with the past version of myself.
The idea of “building confidence” is synonymous with “egotism” for my brain that’s ridden with a plethora of cognitive distortions — maybe you can relate a bit. The idea of acting more confident feels kind of uncomfortable to me. But really, growth starts with getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Self-deprecation is my comfort zone, and I need to get the heck out of here.
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Wishing you the best,
—Chris