Stop Trying to Be a Tough Guy (or Girl) and Do This Instead
Making difficult things easier.
Especially in the martial arts world, I meet a lot of people who I’ve come to think of as “industrious sadomasochists”.
They’re “mentally tough”, but they’re also kind of crazy. They’re kind of addicted to pain, and they wear this pain as a badge of honor.
People all over do things in the sub-optimal ways possible because they think this will make them “tough”. They think this toughness will make them stronger so that they will be able to achieve more.
I used to be like this, and I know I’m not the only one.
You can imagine my surprise when I found out there were worldviews beyond the overwhelming obsession with transcending pain.
The entire first decade of my martial arts career was based around this masochistic philosophy of self-punishment and torture in the name of maximum mental strength. But most of what I’ve learned in the last few years, however, has been about undoing this marriage to pain in order to build a new relationship with legitimate improvement.
Most of what I focus on right now is something called “flow”, which you’ve probably heard of, but probably don’t understand.
The idea of flow is what we’re focusing on today.
The world is sick… Are you?
Jiddu Krishnamurti is one of my favorite philosophers.
He also had a fascinating life.
He’s the author of The Book of Life (which is my favorite book that I’ve read in the last 365 days), he was groomed to lead a cult, and he’s a favorite philosopher of one of my favorite modern thinkers, Naval Ravikant.
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” — Jiddu Krishnamurti
This is perhaps one of Krishnamurti’s most famous quotes. I myself read this online somewhere and didn’t even know it was Krishnamurti who had originally said it. Still, the idea resonates with me.
This concept of a “profoundly sick society” is interesting as well, especially because Krishnamurti was good friends with a guy who wrote a lot and thought a lot about “sick societies”.
That author was a guy named Aldous Huxley, who’s the author of a famous novel called Brave New World, which is essentially about a dystopian society where people are drugged, brainwashed, and controlled by their leaders to be docile and obedient.
Brave New World is about a protagonist (Bernard Marx) who challenges a society that really doesn't like to be challenged. It’s a great book.
I read Brave New World last year and I loved it, so I decided to dive into more of Huxley’s work a few weeks back.
The true “perfect world” is not how you think it is.
Island is Huxley’s response to his own dystopian novel. It was also the last novel he wrote before his death in 1963.
In Island, Huxley describes what he believes is an “ideal society” (on an island, of course) that has flourished for over 120 years. This society (called “Pala”) has almost no crime, the people are happy and peaceful, and the rest of the world is envious.
The book follows a plot (there’s a conspiracy to take over Pala), but it’s pages are mostly philosophical. It discusses values, lifestyle, and the meaning of life in a different way than most people in the West are used to. Palanese society is not like American society.
And what is the biggest problem that the Palanese have with the rest of the world?
Well, stress and anxiety are a good place to start.
Here’s a quote that stuck with me:
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…”― Aldous Huxley
Lightly.
We’re just supposed to do things lightly?
I know what you’re thinking:
“How the f*ck am I supposed to…”
Let’s dive deeper.
Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
My biggest goal for the last 2 months has been to simplify everything I do.
“Simplify” is my word of the quarter, if you will.
I’m working less, but I’m working better. At least, this is my goal.
I’m trying to simplify my Jiu-Jitsu game, simplify the way I approach training, simplify my writing life, and simplify my personal life. I’m trying to focus more on winning important games and less on winning small ones.
Even if that means there will be short-term losses in the name of those long-term wins.
Simple is slower, but slower leads to smoother work. Smooth work leads to fast progress.
This is especially true in Jiu-Jitsu, for example.
If you try to force something, it’s probably not going to work, and you’re going to leave yourself exposed to other problems that may arise. I notice especially when I’m overtrained or cutting weight, I’ll get frustrated or emotional in sessions and try and force moves that I want to work.
But this never makes them work.
This also isn’t just true for Jiu-Jitsu, it’s true for all of life.
The more you try and force things — relationships, personal improvement, better habits — the more you struggle to do them. The more you hammer a crooked nail, the more crooked the nail gets.
The answer is to stop trying (so much).
Saying I want you to “stop trying” makes it sound like I want you to just give up, but that really isn’t what I’m after.
Except, it kind of is. It’s complicated.
I do want you to give up easier.
Most people don’t do this. Most people are afraid to quit.
Instead of quitting, people choose to follow the path of most resistance, and they never get anywhere. Then they get frustrated and “give up”, which is really not what we’re after.
This is a sort of “metagame” (game within a game) that happens when you’re problem-solving. You must “quit” and accept small failures so that you can avoid big failures. You do this so that in the long run, you don’t have to deal with as many headaches and you earn more success.
Quitting is a good thing. Quitting is the secret sauce that makes you successful, happier, and more focused.
All the winners in competitive games have quit and accepted defeat in other games in their life. No one (no matter how it seems) is excellent at everything.
Having less on your plate allows you to increase your quality of work and decrease your stress.
Closing Thoughts
Krishnamurti and Huxley were interested in the same thing — overcoming the problem of anxiety that comes from finding problems everywhere in our lives and constantly trying to solve them.
Constantly to be tough, strong, and accomplished. Constantly trying to satisfy your ego. Constantly doing by trying to do.
The problem with this way of thinking is that a good life starts when you stop solving problems.
A basic law of the universe is that when you quit something you’re investing your energy into, that energy doesn’t just go away, it gets deflected somewhere else.
Knowing this law, when you encounter resistance in your life, you basically have 2 options:
Persist, despite the resistance.
“Quit”, and direct your energy elsewhere.
Mild resistance (like being tired from exercising or having “writer’s block”) is not what I’m talking about. Sometimes, you just have to deal with your sh*t and get on with it.
But other times, it’s wise to direct your energy elsewhere. If you quit swiftly enough and find another way to solve a problem (or solve another problem), you start to work your way into this special space of mind where you’re doing things, but it feels like you aren’t really trying. You’re working hard, but it’s fun.
It’s like play. Instead of fighting with reality, you’re dancing with it.
This doing without trying is the kind of reality that Krishnamurti and Huxley were after.
This doing without trying has a name, and that name is “flow”.
Flow is, according to psychologists, the secret to a good life.
“The best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times — although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Other things from this week:
A short essay on my loss in New York a few weeks back (premium):
Been working a lot on my Patreon the last few weeks as well. Click here to get full access to my growing library of Jiu-Jitsu-related video content!
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