What Most People Don't Understand About Failure
Learning to be more objective.
Last weekend, I wrote an article about dealing with anxiety — mostly in the context of Jiu-Jitsu competitions or other types of athletic events.
I wrote this piece mostly because I was dealing with my own anxiety about the Jiu-Jitsu tournament that I went to compete in last weekend. It was a big one — the ADCC European Trials in Zagreb, Croatia.
I wanted to do well, I was projected to do quite well, and I was also dealing with all of the adversity that comes with traveling overseas to compete. We had 25+ hours of travel, jet lag, and the uneasiness of trying to do the thing you do every day in a place you’ve never been before. I felt pressure and nerves — especially for my first match of the day.
In the end, I didn’t succeed how I wanted to. I had a mediocre competitive performance in what is one of the most important tournaments on my calendar this year. I lost a close match because of a stupid mistake in the closing seconds.
It hurt. I was sad. I was bummed.
Here’s what it taught me about life, myself, and failure.
Most people think every day is part of their movie.
One thing I’ve noticed about Jiu-Jitsu tournaments is that after a lot of competitors are eliminated from the tournament, they all follow the same “routine”.
They throw a little fit, pout a little, make a whiny post on Instagram, and then leave the tournament early.
This is not the way to truly learn to embrace your failures.
Another article I wrote in the past few weeks was about how life isn’t “like a movie”. While that article focused a lot on embracing the boring and routine parts of life, learning to live “real life” and not “movie life” is also a huge key to learning to move on from failures. Even if it’s not the storybook, or movie-esque ending you dreamed of, losing is part of life.
After my loss last weekend, I felt all sorts of unpleasant emotions. I feel them in varying intensities every time I lose.
I wanted to leave the venue right away, binge eat, and wallow in self-pity for a day or two. I wanted to be a diva. The idea of “moving forward” felt heavy. I didn’t like the idea of it.
Instead, I wanted to wallow.
But folks, life ain’t about that.
I’m extremely competitive.
I was the guy who’d throw a fit after losing a wiffle ball game with his friends in high school. I was the guy who sobbed after getting pinned in his first wrestling match ever. I’ve always been someone who gets emotional after big wins and losses in sports.
But something I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that competition is about so much more than just winning and losing.
And look — I know how that sounds. It sounds like a loser trying to justify how he “gave his best” or whatever. That’s not what I’m on about here.
All I’m saying is that the desire to win or the fear of losing should never be so strong that it damages your relationship with competing, yourself, or other people. The fear of a loss should never stop you from trying to win. The intensity of competition should never make you a worse human being. Winning shouldn’t turn you into an asshole.
Competition is simply an arena to display your skills. It’s simply a place for you to show what you’ve got. When the competition is over, everyone goes home and no one thinks about it more than you do.
It’s not this all-important thing that is the entire judgment of you as a person.
It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to teach you stuff. It’s supposed to test your character.
Don’t ever forget that. Don’t fail that test.
Closing Thoughts
Even when I zoom out and try to put on my most “positive attitude”, it’s still hard for me to see anything but my best result possible as anything but “a failure”.
However, the point is not to try to make a failure go away. It’s not to eliminate it from your record.
The point is to eliminate failure from turning you into a person you don’t want to be.
In the days after my loss last weekend, I was kind of sad. I was down. I was bummed.
But at the same time, I know one thing to be true:
I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again.
Failure isn’t just a part of the process of success, it’s a part of life. It’s a part of the human experience. We all deal with negative feedback in every single area of our lives.
Rejections. Losses. Lost money. Breakups. Business failures. The list goes on.
There are lots of different ways to not get what you want.
The point is to be a bit less self-important and a bit more holistic. Compete to win, win with grace, and lose as if you’re going to have another opportunity to try again soon. You probably will.
I’ll close with this famous quote from Winston Churchill that I wish more people thought about in the Jiu-Jitsu world:
“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm”―Winston Churchill
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