Why "Suffering" Is the Key to Happiness
But like, not in a tough guy way.
When I think back over the last few years, some of the happiest periods of my life have always involved a lot of suffering.
Competing in my first ADCC Trials at 77 KG as a bleach-blonde brown belt cutting weight and flying to Atlantic City was horrible. Moving to Texas by myself made me miserable for a while. ADCC camp, in hindsight, was extremely difficult and I remember the highs of training and getting better, but I sometimes forget about my back injury, my insomnia, and begging for it all to be over.
This weird phenomenon is extremely common, and my hindsight has made me belief once again that suffering is the key to happiness.
However, it’s not in the way you might think. You need to make yourself suffer to be happy, but it’s not about the pain.
It’s about the right pain.
Today, we’re talking about suffering, progress, and how to stay motivated through turbulence.
A mini-lesson from Buddha (and me).
I used to read a lot about Buddhism. I thought it would help me “cure” my anxiety.
It didn’t, but I did learn a lot. A good to start with when it comes to learning about Buddhism is The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh.
One thing I learned in this book (which is an essential part of Buddhism) is the idea of “The Four Noble Truths”, which is essentially a perspective of “how things really are” according to Buddha,
Here are those 4 truths (paraphrased):
Suffering is an inevitable part of existence.
This suffering has a cause.
Thus, this suffering can come to an end.
The end of suffering comes from following the path of Buddha.
I don’t really want to tell you what to believe, and I don’t have the time to start a Buddhist cult, but today's article will focus on the first three truths (and part of the fourth).
Suffering is the key to happiness, but pain is not. Misery is not a prerequisite for happiness.
Forcing yourself into suffering is not the key, the key is finding a way to alleviate as much suffering as you can and being able to live with the rest. You need to take on a manageable load of intelligently chosen suffering, otherwise you will be unhappy.
Life is hard and it will always be this way.
When I was dirt-broke after first moving to Texas, I was so stressed out that I couldn’t sleep.
At night, my mind spun thinking of ways to generate income and opportunities for myself. I thought that the answer could be found if I just thought more.
Likewise, during ADCC camp, I dealt with a lot of insomnia as well. Pretty much any time something major happens in my life, I have a couple of days where anxiety takes hold of my brain — especially at night.
During ADCC camp, my mind spun through different ways that the next few weeks were going to go. I thought that if I just thought of everything, I might be more prepared for my first ADCC.
It’s funny because if you had told me during the period when I was dirt-broke I’d be struggling with the same anxiety getting ready for something huge like ADCC, I’d have told you that you were out of your mind. I felt millionaire crying in his Ferrari compared to where I was 9 months earlier — although I’ve been driving the same Mazda for a while now.
This is a key point, and I think Hemingway said it well in The Sun Also Rises:
“You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.”
I think I’ve done this before — where I’ve used ambition (or travel or anything else) as a method of trying to escape myself. I’ve wanted to earn things just so I could suffer to earn them, not because I wanted them.
I think this is why ADCC freaked me out so much. It was the first Jiu-Jitsu tournament in a long time that I actually wanted to do just for the sake of itself. I didn’t care about proving anything anymore, I just wanted to have the experience.
Because I cared so much, I felt anxiety.
What to pursue instead of pain.
In Western culture, I think that we have become disconnected from true progress.
This is perfectly encapsulated by “grind culture”, where we focus on the grind above all else. We embrace the grind in the name of goals, but most people end up just doing the grinding without really thinking about the goals. We’re good at working hard, not smart.
How many people are in the gym because they want to improve their fitness versus how many are in the gym because they want to feel like they’re improving their fitness? People today are more interested in feeling like they’re working hard than actually doing good work.
What we’re missing — as I learned while reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, is quality.
But what is quality?
You know it if you see it, but it’s hard to define. It looks like different things in different circumstances to different people.
For me, in Jiu-Jitsu, this has become my new center focus. When training, competing, and working on myself, I am trying to pursue quality above all. A deeper understanding, better practical application, and higher degrees of difficulty.
The funny thing is that every time I get closer to what I believe to be quality, I learn something new that changes the definition and the process.
This is a neverending game that I haven’t yet grown tired of.
Closing Thoughts
I’ve thrown a lot of quotes and books at you today, so I’ll give you one more in the closing.
“The reason to win the game is to be free of it.” — Naval Ravikant
The reason to win the dating game is to not have to date anymore because you are married. The reason to get your black belt in BJJ is so belts don’t matter anymore. The reason to make money is so that you don’t have to worry about money anymore.
Once you are free of the game, you are also free of the suffering that comes with it.
Climbing the competition ladder in Jiu-Jitsu has taught me that quality is more important than medals. I’ve climbed the ladder high enough to be free of the game. No one cares if you win, they care how you win and what you do. They care about the expression of your Jiu-Jitsu (or whatever else it is you’re doing). This is why no one remembers competitors who eek wins by advantages and why they worship the submission hunters.
So yes, I want to win everything, but winning alone is not enough to get me to the gym when I don’t want to be there. It’s not enough for me to set concrete goals anymore. After a decade of chasing medals, I promise you this: it gets old.
Instead, I just want to be excellent at Jiu-Jitsu, writing, being a partner, and living. That’s what keeps me going — this neverending pursuit of excellence.
This isn’t easy — it’s stressful at times — but it is simple. Do less, better.
The more that you do, the more suffering in your life. Pursue excellence in a few things, and then pursue nothing else.
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