The Mid-Year Reflection 2025
A little bit of this, a little bit of that.
Another year is officially halfway over.
In the first 6 months of the year, much has happened. I’ve left the country twice, competed 3 times, published my first book, gotten engaged, and more.
In this article, I am going to share (and probably overshare) everything that happened in these first 6 months as best I can.
I generally divide the things that I do and that happen to me into 5 buckets:
Jiu-Jitsu
Health and Fitness
Writing/Business
Personal Life/Relationships
Mental Health
We’re going to talk about all of them.
This article is a long one, so let’s get right into it.
Jiu-Jitsu
I’ve honestly had a frustrating year with Jiu-Jitsu.
I took a really tough loss last weekend in Almaty, Kazakhstan. It was probably one of the toughest and most devastating losses of my career.
But the loss alone isn’t the thing I’m worried about — it’s more about the things surrounding the loss.
I’ve been frustrated with my progress in training. I’ve been frustrated with my training structure. I’ve been frustrated with competition opportunities.
For my Who’s Number One match in April, I was told that 10 people said no to having a match with me because it was “too risky”. Hopefully, after that bad loss last weekend, people will stop thinking that… lol.
I competed at Polaris in February, but that was a frustrating start to the year. I gave up a week of my life and had 4 matches, 2 of which were against my teammate, and 1 was a 2-minute and 4-second match. WNO was a fun experience, but honestly, the win didn’t help me much. The match at AIGA was the highest pressure match I have had in a long time (since the EBI finals) and I shat the bed.
It sucked.
I also tried to compete on the UFC BJJ reality show in May, but I was accidentally put in the middle of a budding UFC vs CJI war that I want no part of and had to say no.
I just want to compete and try to be a better version of myself. I didn’t feel like competing for an exclusive contract that I wouldn’t be able to sign would be a good idea in terms of bring that best self out.
Because I haven’t really had specific competitions and ample time to prepare for them, I’ve felt a bit aimless for all of my Jiu-Jitsu events. It’s funny because I’ve made more money this year than ever before from competition, but I’ve felt pretty much unprepared for everything I’ve done.
Luckily, I have 9 weeks until CJI, a big chip on my shoulder, and I am ready to make myself more prepared than ever.
There’s also been a lot of drama in Jiu-Jitsu this year as well. I’ve been around a lot of it, but thankfully not involved.
Either way, it’s exhausting. I don’t handle drama well. I am quiet and introverted.
I find that this seeps into my personal life and it affects my health and fitness, but more on that in a bit.
For now, let’s focus on the future.
I am competing at CJI 2 with the B-Team on August 30-31 in Las Vegas. It’s a dream come true for me to compete on this stage, and I will do whatever I have to achieve my goal of performing at my absolute best. No stone will be left unturned.
After CJI, my goal is to compete more. I haven’t had a very active year, and I’ve been extremely focused on work and my business. I’d like to take more time to focus on competing and training.
I’m also going to work more on my mindset, my technical weaknesses, and improving my fitness levels for upcoming competitions. I am going to obsessively strive to be the grappler I know I can be.
Health and Fitness
My health is mostly pretty good these days.
I went to the doctor recently and had all my bloodwork done, and he had very good things to say.
I’ve also had a really good run of health with my body as well in terms of training, weight training, and cardio. Although I haven’t had my best competitive year so far, I have been having a very healthy year.
I’m better with diet than I was last year, my caffeine intake isn’t crazy, and I’ve even cut back on sugar except for a few post-competition celebrations or while traveling with my fiancé.
Here are a few things that I’ve learned about health and fitness this year as it pertains to Jiu-Jitsu success:
Cardio training is essential for your on-mat performance and your mental health. I’m my happiest and perform best in training when I’m going for walks, doing work on the bike, and doing Zone 1-2 cardio off the mat. You don’t need to do a bajillion sprints every day to have a great gas tank. You need to work to improve your general fitness level.
You can’t train the same every workout. Normally, on Mondays, I do squats and bench. Some days on these workouts, I hit PRs. Other days, my warm-up sets feel like work sets, and my work sets feel like those PRs. You need to pay attention to your recovery, your heart rate, and how your body feels. This is key for improved performance, longevity, and skill development.
Part of balance is yinning and yanging around. Sometimes, I weigh more than 190 pounds. At AIGA, I weighed in at 182, and I barely cut any weight. I’ve found it’s better to be really big at times and then diet down at other times. I’m training myself to stop fearing weight-cutting. It’s part of the sport. I can compete at 205, and I can compete at 170. I definitely prefer 185 for life enjoyment, but my optimal competition weight might be a bit lighter.
I’ve also been experimenting with some new supplements. I’ve been obsessed with LMNT packets and sparkling drinks. I like them because they have more salt but less sugar than Liquid IV. I find that this stops me from cramping and helps me perform better in training. Additionally, I’m working with Grapple Science, a nootropic that is designed by grapplers, for grapplers. I have also been experimenting with THC micro-dose mints from ATHLETHC and have had a lot of success and enjoyment with them. You might like these supplements too. If you want to try either Grapple Science or ATHLETHC, hit the links in this post and use the code DIARY at checkout.
If you want to get better at Jiu-Jitsu, don’t just study Jiu-Jitsu; study movement. I’ve been reading a lot and studying a lot, not just on training and fitness, but also ecological training and game design. This is in part to make me a better Jiu-Jitsu coach, but also to make me a better grappler myself. As someone who fell in love with Jiu-Jitsu for its technical intricacies, this has been a fun new challenge. There’s more to training than just technique and rolling. This is more of a Jiu-Jitsu lesson than it is a lesson on health and fitness, but having a better understanding of movement leads to better training, health, and fitness.
And those are pretty much the biggest lessons I’ve learned in terms of health and fitness this year. Time will tell how these lessons continue to manifest in my daily life.
Writing/Business
This article started as kind of a bummer. I’m sorry for that, but grateful if you’ve read this far.
We’re starting to turn things around.
In terms of my work, I’ve had my best year ever.
In January, I published my first book, A Grappler’s Diary. I spent no money on ads, I self-published the book, and I really just winged it to see if anyone would want to read a book from me.
My “marketing engine” was mostly just me and my phone. I also used my email list, and I mention the book all the time in this newsletter. That’s pretty much it.
All of that has led to nearly 1500 sales of the book. I’ve also had tons of seminars this year, had my most profitable year with instructional sales, and I’ve begun working on some other really cool writing projects as well. My second book is actually more than halfway done — I will share more on this soon.
I’ve also made some changes with The Grappler’s Diary on social media and Substack as well, such as:
Adding in more guest posts (if you want to write for me, hit this link and send me your pitch!)
Changing the format of our Instagram content
Posting regular technique videos
Promoting merch (and selling it at all my seminars)
There will be a lot more soon, but everything in due time.
I have also paused The Modern Writer temporarily because my workload was more than I could handle. Every day, I train, teach, lift, and work on The Grappler’s Diary, and because of that, I don’t have too much time to post on The Modern Writer right now. That newsletter will return, but for now, I am fully focused on grappling competition and education. I am finding that it’s better to do a few things very well than it is to do a bunch of things half-assed.
I don’t have a ton of huge news coming in terms of writing/business right now, but I think that’s a good thing. I am focused on doing what I am already doing as well as I can, and not much more.
Personal Life/Relationships
From my last reflection, not much has changed in my personal life.
Except, well…
I’m engaged!
And, as of about a week ago, our wedding venue and date are all booked. Can you believe it?
Throughout all the ups and downs of Jiu-Jitsu, the unpredictability of running my own business, and the chaos of just life in general, I’m excited to finally marry my best friend next year.
I spent the early part of this year planning the proposal. Choosing the location, designing and purchasing the ring, and asking for permission from family members. It was an exciting and anxiety-inducing time.
At dinner in Kazakhstan with my team a few days ago, I was talking with some of the guys about proposing, and one of them gave a great analogy for proposing to a long-time girlfriend:
It’s like getting ready for the finals of a competition, and you know you’re most likely going to win, but you’re not totally sure. There’s still a hair of doubt. There’s still a bit of fear. It’s still very scary.
Before I proposed, my palms were sweaty, the ring was stuck in my underwear, and I fumbled through my words. I had a romantic speech planned out, but all that came out when I got on a knee was “Iloveyouwillyoumarryme”.
All one word.
Luckily for me, my proposal still went well. She said yes. We achieved the desired outcome.
We went to San Diego a few weeks ago to begin the planning process and look at venues. In the next few days, I’ll need to get a haircut, and we will plan to take engagement pictures.
Outside of love, I am also in a great place in terms of friends. Competitive Jiu-Jitsu is a stressful and chaotic life, and sometimes I’m not sure if I’m good enough for it. What I’ve realized is that this questioning of my belonging is a sign of my anxiety, not a sign that I am inadequate or that anything is wrong with me.
I have amazing friends, and I am on an amazing path. The only thing I can do is ride the wave.
There will always be highs and lows, but it’s always going to be okay.
Mental Health
The one thing I like least about myself is how seriously I tend to take myself.
I am constantly introspecting, I am self-critical, and I care too much about everything. I worry a lot. I put a lot of pressure on things that don’t matter and things that I have no control over.
This, especially in the last year, has taken a toll on my mental health.
This manifested in bouts of severe anxiety, self-doubt, and perhaps worst of all, insomnia. I’ve struggled with this on and off for about a year, and it’s pretty much always at its worst in the lead-up to competitions.
After competitions or when I take a break from training and travel, it gets better. Then, it starts again. If I’m banged up, it gets really bad.
It’s probably also a cortisol thing, but it’s definitely a compartmentalization thing.
My main goal for the next few months is to work on the relationship between anxiety, competition, and my life off the mat. It’s interesting because this is kind of a new problem for me. I didn’t really struggle with competition anxiety much until my first ADCC about 9 months ago.
That said, I’m going to do whatever I have to do to reach my goal of having a more sound mind.
Closing Thoughts
At the end of 2024, I set a lot of goals.
(It’s a lot easier to set goals than it is to achieve them.)
I aimed to make these goals as specific as possible.
Here are the goals I set and how I’m doing on them:
Focus on strength in physical and mental fitness. I’ve been working a lot on my strength and conditioning since December. I’ve been lifting heavy, lifting consistently, and training very hard. Physically, I am stronger than I’ve been in years. Mentally, however, I feel a bit fragile. I’m going to ramp up my mental training in the second half of the year as best I can. The word I am trying to live by this year is “strength” — I just need to make sure it’s not just physical strength.
Compete smarter. I still need to work on this. If anything, I’ve been competing too smart, and it’s making me compete dumber. I’ve been trying to pick and choose which events I do, and the result has been feeling unprepared for the events I do. It’s a challenge I was not expecting.
Earn my way to some of the bigger shows in pro Jiu-Jitsu. I won my WNO debut, I competed for Polaris, and I will be competing at CJI in August. I got to compete at AIGA. I have a lot to work on still as an athlete, but I am improving at marketing myself.
Finish the job. I want to amend this goal a bit. I was so close to winning so many times last year, I began to think that that was the only way I’d become happy with my Jiu-Jitsu and myself. Instead, I’m going to focus more on detaching from results and performing my best. I want to leave every match I compete in feeling like I left it all out there.
Build the Modern Writer. Welp, we paused the Modern Writer. Sometimes my goals are bigger than my available time. Lol.
Work on new skills in multimedia. I can kind of edit videos on CapCut now? This is a skill that still needs work, but I’ve come a long way from where I was 6 months ago.
Travel less, but when I do, go to places I want to go. This is still a work in progress. I’ve come to realize that as long as I compete, traveling wherever they send me will be a part of my job. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to Kazakhstan this year, and I also get to go to the Philippines this fall!
Get better at controlling my emotions. I crashed out a bit after the match last weekend — something I haven’t really done for a long time. I am quite good at handling my emotions, most of the time. I’m also taking the necessary steps to ensure better control of my feelings about what I can’t control.
Learn how to make croissants. I’ve eaten a lot of croissants, but I haven’t made any.
Take the next steps in my relationship. I’m going to get married!
I write these reflections for myself, but sometimes they help people. At the very least, you learned some of the things I’ve been working on, thinking about, and struggling with this year.
My dream would be to have one of these reflections inspire you to write your own.
Either way, I want to leave you with some further reading.
Here are a few of my most popular and favorite articles that I have written so far this year:
The Only Way to Do Jiu-Jitsu Professionally (and Profitably)
Doing competitive Jiu-Jitsu for a career is a funny thing.
Thanks for reading today’s article.
I’ll have another long reflection for you in 6 months, but for now, it’s time to get busy livin’.
In this episode of BJJ Mental Models, Steve is joined by Jake O’Driscoll from Essence BJJ in Perth for an in-depth discussion on the straight foot lock game.
Jake explains his unique finishing mechanics, how his method differs from the popular “Woj Lock,” and how he uses straight foot locks not just for submissions but to control, off-balance, and transition to dominant positions like the back or mount.
He emphasizes the importance of using 50/50 as a dynamic, offensive platform rather than a stalling position and shares insights on controlling all three leg joints for effective submissions.
Jake also offers coaching advice, training concepts, and resources for grapplers looking to master the modern leg lock meta.
To listen, look up BJJ Mental Models wherever you listen to your podcasts, or just hit this link.
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Always proud of you bubs! Te amo!!!
You’re an example that wisdom is accessible to anyone regardless of age. Your willingness to reflect as deeply as you do in public, considering your profession, is inspiring and empowering. Great post that continues to involve humor as well making it that much better.